December 7, 2004

• More rain, more barometric pressure changes, more pain...

  
  

  Plans

  
  

  I really hate it when I make plans to do something with someone and then the pain kicks in so that I can't do what we planned.  It makes me feel like scum when I ruin someone else's plans.  Like my best friend (my brother) and I plan to go out hunting.  Then I wake up with a very bad migraine and I can't go.  It not only ruined my plans, but ruined his plans, too.  It's bad enough that I can't do what I wanted to do, but it's worse when I mess up someone else's plans.

  
  

  So, I want to NOT make plans with anyone because I'm afraid that I might mess 'em up due to a migraine (or other pain).  Now I try to work out plans so that I'm not a variable in those plans, which also makes it hard for other people's plans.  Geemyknee!  It's another time that I don't like me!

  
  

  I know that most people will say they understand.  Especially John will say that it's "okay" and he'll do something else.  But I also know that they really don't understand because they have not been there.  And even though one may say it's okay, and they accept my lacking, it still doesn't make it right that I didn't do what I had said or planned.

  
  

  Migraine Pain

  
  

  The pain doesn't stop.  It doesn't just go away.  There have actually been 21 days since January 28th, 1998 that I have NOT had a migraine.  You can do the math.  That's where the pain level was actually zero.  My scale is 0 - 10 where 0 is no pain whatsoever, and 10 is when I go to the hospital for a rather large shot of Stadol or morphine.  I was keeping a log of everyday and the pain level, but that gets rather frustrating, too.  So I don't keep the log anymore.  My average is around 6.5.

  
  

  Writing

  
  

  BTW, thanks for all your comments.  I need to write, but I've had lots of problems.  Most of the problems are just me.  And I get tired of writing about pain, you know, whining.  Gee! 

  
  

  Escape & Oblivion

  
  

  I really like the forums that I mention here.  They are a kind of escape for me, because I can go there and help people, regardless of how I feel.  Kinda'.  However, the big escape is oblivion, wherein lies no pain, at least, no pain that I am aware of.  And that escape from the reality of pain, or failure, or lack of accomplishment, or ruining someone else's plans, well, that escape can be precious.  And no, I don't want escape through alcohol or drug misuse, I just want escape from consciousness to my own little area of oblivion.  But with oblivion, time just keeps going away, never to return again, and never to be redeemed.

  
  

  As usual, the FogWalker goes back to the darkness and the recliner....maybe oblivion will make the pain go away.....maybe....

  • 12:21 pm
  • 1 Comment